Today I visited London Roach Church, an evangelical church about 1.5km from LEAP 3 (where I'm staying). It was more charismatic that churches I usually attend, and people happily jumped up and down and danced during the opening worship.
As we were singing, "Trading my sorrows" I realized that I hadn't been to church since Sean died. It's just circumstantial. The Sunday after he died, it was my first full day in South Africa, and the Sunday after, we traveled to Joburg, and the Sunday after that was today. I realized this because singing "Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord," meant something different in the wake of his death. I struggled to be in a place of surrender, because I am still in such disagreement about all of this.
Some nights, especially after watching True Blood, I can't get the image of his death out of my mind. I think that saying "Yes Lord" doesn't necessarily mean that I agree with injustices or foolish mistakes (I don't know how to think about what Tom did, actually), but it means that no matter what the situation, I trust that the universe will unfold the way it needs to, the way God wants it to. That doesn't mean he wanted Sean to die the way he did, but that he can use Sean's life and death to impact the world in a positive way despite the tragedy.
This is still hard.
Church felt right. I was tempted to not go, because it was cold and I was tired, but I'm glad that I ventured out. It is a positive ritual for my existence, whatever the topic of the sermon (something, actually, I wasn't quite sure of, if you peruse my notes).
Kay I am glad you are finding some peace, the whole situation is so sad, every time I think of you and Patrick and your community it just makes me sad, we carry those people who have passed with us and their passing creeps up at unexplained times. Sometimes we smile and other times we cry, just find a way to honor those feelings, and keep up the rituals that help you through the dark moments.
ReplyDeleteWe attended a very racially diverse service last Sunday with Luke and Sue. The sermon, delivered in a Caribbean accent, didn't make any sense. Stories illustrated nothing. Points didn't link. Scripture didn't connect to anything the man said.
ReplyDeleteThe music wasn't even necessarily in tune.
And yet the worship made me cry. I looked out on the people, who love the same God I do, and I was humbled by their ability to embrace God without needing to explain things.
Now, I'm still a fan of wrestling with disappointments and reasoning through Scripture, but sometimes I get too hung up on those things.
And one of my prayers for you has been that you will find comfort in your loss and that God will bring your pain to the surface so that he can heal you.
I'm too tired. I don't think my two types of comments linked. Or maybe they do in a very Donald Miller kind of way. There is no making sense of what happened. God's love and the ability of individuals to do the unthinkable don't mesh. And yet God's love is real. How do we embrace that and come to terms with the rest? I don't know. I continue to pray for you. I love you.