May Doings

May slipped past me.

It was a whirlwind of checkboxes - proof that things really did get done and so that's good. May was not like February, which also slipped by me. February was a flu. May was just madness.

Paint: Patrick and I were looking into a Mother's Day present for my mom, which sadly, wasn't going to work. But we did stop and paint ceramics for ourselves for 3 hours (yikes). I am glad that Patrick values these kinds of artistic experiences. My mug looks absolutely AWESOME.

Dine: Patrick took me to Searsucker for my birthday. We ordered delicious food, and I opened a new present between every course.

Visit: My nana and I have a tradition of meeting together every single year for my birthday. I can barely remember a birthday where we didn't go out. When I was little, it was all about the Sizzler, but these days, our taste is more refined. I got to meet her puppy, Fritz, too, and spend some time with Aunt Lewana to celebrate my birthday.

Plan: Lisa & I spend many an evening going over the details of her upcoming wedding. There is so much to think about! We discussed yesterday that this, weddings, is one of our culture's extremely few rites of passage. That perspective made it seem worth it.

Meet: Two weekends ago, I flew to San Francisco at muy early in the morning and got to make the acquaintance of one of Lina's friends from USF, Lukie. She was so perfect, and her beautiful apartment felt so much like home. One day, I hope to return the favor, and spend more time getting to know her.

Walk: While in San Francisco, I did quite a bit of walking -- both for the love of it, and also because I am not very good at catching the right bus. I realized that I was also conferencing very close to the Golden Gate Recreation Park, and it filled me.

Conference: I spent lots of weekend hours with the fellows from Teach With Africa, getting to know, and getting to hear about the program. I am glad I was able to attend the conference, even though it did a good job of revealing everything I don't know. The people are such good people, and I enjoyed getting to know them, even though they are all going to be in Cape Town, and I'm going to be in Johannesburg.

Read: I started reading Nelson Mandela's autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom. I won this book in San Francisco at the TWA orientation. It makes me feel more like I know what I'm getting into, even though it doesn't actually tell me anything about what I'm getting into at all.

Shop: I can't wear jeans while I teach in South Africa, and I don't have many pants besides jeans. So I went out a few times and purchased appropriate leg & footwear.

Celebrate: One of my co-workers had a birthday last week, and all the ladies got together for a potluck, before the more adventurous of them went out dancing. This was a really fun night, and afterwards, I got to visit with Angie, who I love so much and rarely get to see.

Peruse: There's no better word for book shopping. Naomi took me out to D.G. Wills and we perused the shelves without necessity, but just for the love of the page.

Commemorate: I think that's the right verb for attending a graduation! My mom unofficially graduated from her Master's program at San Diego State University. I got to attend the ceremony with my brother & sister, and afterwards, take her to lunch.

Watch: It's the new season of the Bachelorette! This is one of Lisa's & my favorite traditions. We've been watching this together since Jake (...so, for the past...3 seasons). We dined in, ordered a $10 special from Howard's Pizza, and groaned and moaned over the sheer silliness of it all. We will not be able to finish this season together, tragically.

Perform: All my students are doing spoken word poetry, and when they finished, they cheered me to present. "I don't have a poem!" I protested, to which they responded, "Make one up!" And so I did.

Edit: My thesis for grad school is practically done. I made up my mind between words like "hope and vision" and changed a lot of passive voice to active, and am just going through the rest of it and making it finished.

Panic: Life is changing fairly rapidly, and I am a slow processor. I am ending the school year. I don't know what's happening with Patrick and my relationship. I am moving out, but not moving in until August. I am going to South Africa in less than a month. It's a lot. I read a bit by Rilke about this... about embracing the difficult, because there is no such thing as easy.. somehow, I can't just seem to settle, or put my feet on the ground. Where do I stand? Hence, the panic.

That's a good smattering of verbs. Not a lot of art this month. Not a lot of writing. Lots of doing, and getting things done. I don't have time to not.

Read.

On work days arise to your labors happily, if you can. And if you can't, what's stopping you? Is there something heavy, something difficult in your way? What do you have against what's heavy and difficult?--That it can kill you.--Alright, so it's strong and powerful, you know that much about it. And what do you know about what's easy? Nothing. We have no memory at all of what's easy. So even if you were permitted to choose, wouldn't you actually have to choose what's hard? Don't you feel how kindred it is to you, related to you through all your loves? Is it not your true home?

And aren't you in harmony with nature when you choose it? Don't you think the seed would find it easier to stay in the earth? Don't the migrating birds have it hard, and the wild who have fend for themselves.

Look: easy things and hard simply do not exist. Life itself is what's hard. And you want to live, don't you? So you're wrong to call it your duty to take on what's hard. The survival instinct pushes you to do that. So what is your duty? Your duty is to love what's hard. That you carry the weight doesn't say much, you have to rock it in its cradle and sing it to sleep and be there when it needs you, and it can need you at any moment.

You have to be so ready to help, so gentle and kind, that you spoil it, spoil your difficult thing like a child, so that it can no longer exist without you, so that it depends on you.

After you've brought it to such a state you will no longer want anyone to come take it off your hands.

And you get that far through love. To love is hard. When someone bids you to love, they are laying a great task upon you, but not an impossible one. For they are not calling you to love another person, which is not for beginners; they are not demending from you that you love God, which only the most mature of people can do. They are only calling your attention to what's hard for you, what is neediest in you and at the same time most fruitful. You see, what's easy wants nothing from you, but what's hard waits for you, and there is no strength in you that won't be needed there, and even if your life is very long not a single day will be left over for what's easy, what scoffs as your strength.

Go deep inside yourself and build what's hard. it should be like a house within you, if you yourself are like a land that changes with the tides. Remember, you are not a star, you have no course to follow.

You must be a world unto yourself and with your difficult thing in your center, drawing you to it. And one day, with its weight, its gravity, it will have its effects beyond you, on a destiny, on a person, on God. Then, when it's ready, God will enter into your difficult thing. And do you know anywhere else where you and He can meet?

~ Rainer Maria Rilke, "Morning Prayer" from The Inner Sky